Now let me just make something very clear. Two years ago, I would have self-identified as a feminist, but more of a “Yeah of course women deserve equal rights,” kind of feminist. At this point, I’m a full-blown feminist and you know what’s changed? My experience level with dating men.
Sidenote: I’m more convinced than ever that sexuality is not a choice because why would I choose to date men when it’s like this? Being heterosexual is my most masochistic, toxic trait.
At the time of this blog post, I’ve been online dating on and off for about 5 years. The last year of that time frame was simultaneous with no breaks. And let me just tell you something, not only has my mental health declined significantly in the past year, I’ve also learned a great deal about the collective group of men and it’s honestly not pretty.
I doubt many men (or people in general) are reading this, but in the event that there are men here, please refrain from the “not all men,” dismissal of very real feminine issues. Clearly, there’s always an exception, but the greater issue here is that it happens with such frequency; in other words, men who value and respect women are the exception not the rule.
All this to say, as I’ve been looking for solutions and ways to commiserate with my dating woes, I’ve come across quite a few feminist-based books that I’m convinced will eventually dismantle the patriarchy once and for all. Here are 5 I’ve come across recently that I cannot stop thinking about. Buckle up friends because I’m about to change your life.
1. The Tinder Translator: An A-Z of Modern Misogyny by Aileen Barratt
The title of this book is in itself a rollercoaster ride, but that’s strangely indicative of the vibe that Barratt brings to this book.
The premise is that Barratt has taken her online dating misery and categorized it into an alphabet book of horror organized by the absolutely asinine things that men say on dating apps and what they actually mean. See, men like to paint this picture like women are the ones who are cryptic and that they are incredibly straightforward, but that’s not really the case at all. In fact, when they’re trying to manipulate women, it all becomes very ambiguous. Interesting.
This book marries the humor one has to have to deal with such bullshit on a day-to-day basis along with the real and very serious nature of what these behaviors perpetuate in our society. Reading it left me feeling far less alone and, in fact, empowered to not put up with this sort of behavior from men on the apps anymore. In essence, it’s a red flag guide for the modern women. Absolutely essential in a world of covert misogyny.
2. It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel
As a rule, this book’s premise isn’t inherently feminist because that’s not really the point, but it is catered to women and covers a lot of norms that women are expected to uphold in our society. Thus, it makes the list.
The idea behind this book is exactly what the title sounds like. Eckel takes 27 cliché and cultural “excuses” for singleness that are often offered to the single woman as a salve for her wounds of loneliness that only ends up feeling more like salt instead. She debunks each of these phrases and presents some cognitive shifts, but also challenges some of these for the patriarchal norms that they perpetuate. It’s an absolute must read for the single girl, yes, but also for anyone who knows a single person because y’all need to cut that toxic positivity shit out.
3. Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld
This book is actually a work of fiction. Right? Did you know that fictional stories could have profound concepts? It’s almost like that’s the whole point of literature.
rolls eyes in extreme sarcasm
This work is what I would categorize as a literary romance. It’s a made-up genre, but I stand by it, because while we are on the subject of feminism…why the hell can’t romance be deep and meaningful? Why do we let people (particularly men) discourage us from looking at romance as an ideal because it suggests that they actually treat women with love and respect for god’s sake?
But I digress.
This book is profound because of the statement it makes. It follows a comedy sketch writer, Sally, and her “Danny Horst Rule” which is named after her co-worker Danny who always seems to find himself with the hottest women despite the fact that he’s just ok (think the Pete Davidson Effect). She creates this whole sketch surrounding this ideology and stands by it until she meets musical guest heartthrob, Noah. Noah is hot, dreamy, talented, intelligent, and interesting and checks notes interested in her?! Given his interest, she is forced to reevaluate her “Danny Horst Rule” this time as it relates to herself.
The plot sounds benign enough, sure, but it’s SO not. What she seeks to do is actually quite brilliant. She pulls apart how genders interact with each other romantically specifically as it relates to beauty standards and challenges the notion that conventional beauty is the standard for all male preference.
My only gripe is based in cynicism because it creates an “ideal” world as a model for men to reevaluate their beauty standards in women, but it’s just that: an ideal. Also, it assumes that men are willing to read a book with any form of the word “romance” on a cover splashed with shades of pink. Toxic masculinity could never.
Yet, it’s an important work in challenging stereotypes and breaking down barriers between men and women which is really the entire point here.
4. Block, Delete, Move On by Lalalaletmeexplain
Ok admittedly, as a purist, this book doesn’t really fit on this list simply because I first read this back in 2021. HOWEVER, I recently gave it a re-read, so it counts.
It’s sacrilegious to say, but this book might just be my Bible (oh my God, calm down Christians, it’s expressed for hyperbolic effect; I still hold reverence for the Word of God). It covers every inch of the modern dating world in a way that makes the reader feel seen regardless of their nuanced personal experiences. The anonymous, faceless blogger who goes by the screenname, Lalalaletmeexplain, writes in a way that is humorous but also blunt in the same way an older sister or more experienced friend might. But along the entire way, she points out that the real crux of the issues that women are facing in dating deals with the patriarchal society we live in and the customs that haven’t quite caught up despite the fact that women are able to be autonomous (are we sensing a theme here?).
It's comprehensive, yet a surprisingly brief and easy read, and one I will recommend forever and ever.
5. Annie Bot by Sierra Greer
Ok let me just tell you something. I finished this book last night and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. It’s a modern piece of literary fiction that I fear won’t get nearly the exposure it deserves.
So here’s the premise. It’s a science fiction-esque dystopian society in which actual women exist, but AI bots are all the rage and have taken over many of the patriarchal roles that women have historically dominated. Your bot can be a Nanny (takes care of the kids), an Abigail (cooks and cleans), or a Cuddle Bunny (glorified sex doll). This story follows Annie who is an autodidactic Cuddle Bunny bot owned by Doug. Because she has recently been allowed to explore autonomy and she’s no longer programmed in a certain way, she is able to create a personality and gasps self-actualize. As you can imagine, this is a problem for her controlling owner, Doug, because he needs her to fulfill his needs all the time, she can’t be her own person.
You’re catching where this is going aren’t you?
Essentially, it’s a commentary on the way we view women in our society presented in a way that seems so drastically different from our world. But is it really? Aren’t these roles what we expect women to do? Especially men? It’s a cautionary tale about how our society might become if we let the deadly combination of toxic masculinity and technology run its course. Because sure we don’t have sex bots roaming around controlled by men, but we do have a multitude of dating apps where men can manipulate and use women for sex which really isn’t that different is it?
While the concepts of feminism are vast and transcend these texts, they are some of the ones I’ve found value and comfort in as I’ve navigated the world of dating. May the patriarchy fall and fall soon amen and amen.
Comments